April 30 has become one of my favorite days of the year. On April 30, 2007 God introduced me to the most important person in my life, my son Aaron Jacques. Today, we celebrate his sixth birthday and I could not be more proud to be his mother. He is funny, bright, kind, generous, lively, caring, stubborn and fun. He is everything wonderful in my world. He takes care of me, he is affectionate toward me. In so many ways, he’s just like me and in so many other awesome ways he’s a complete opposite. He is the perfect balance of all that is perfect in me and all that is perfect in his father. He loves unconditionally and he makes it his mission to make people laugh. I love him tremendously. Him and I sing “Ho Hey” by The Lumineers to each other because no other words make more sense to us then these…. ” I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweet”
Happy sixth birthday sunshine bear!!
As a little girl, my father was my life. I remember going to work with him as a little girl and I would light up around him. We talked a lot and he always called me “Nene de Papi”. One day he left. There was always fighting in my house. There was always yelling. I blamed my mother for him leaving. I begged to go with him but he responded that I had to stay with her. “Her”, I grew up hating her and worshipping him. I saw him every other weekend and every Wednesday afternoon. I talked to him almost every day. There were times he wouldn’t show up when he would say he would. There were times that he was short with me or my little sister. I remember verbal insults as a child like “idiot” or “stupid”. The day I realized I could never love him the way I had was when he told me his girlfriend, we had never met, was five months pregnant. It was the betrayal, it was the deception. At nine years old, my life was shattered, my father had hurt me so profoundly. It’s been 22 years since that day, when I think of it, I just want to scream. I realized that day that he not only lied and cheated on my mom for years but he lied and cheated on me as well. He had two children with his girlfriend. Two beautiful kids to replace the two girls he had when he was young and reckless. He became a family man for those kids. He went to their school functions and went on family vacations. I was forced to look at pictures of their happiness when I visited on weekends and slept on the couch. I felt like a non-thought. He abandoned me so many times. As I grew older our relationship grew more distant. There were moments as an adult that I thought, “I don’t need him, I don’t want him, I’m ending this relationship today” but I was always too afraid. Too afraid to confront him so I took the passive aggressive way and I wouldn’t answer his calls for weeks. I didn’t want to talk to him. I grew hate, resentment which became hate and resentment for the men in my life. I dated men exactly like him: distant, cold, verbally abusive, liars and cheaters. The ridiculous part is that I longed for him to love me, to tell me he was wrong, an acknowledgement. Something, anything!!! Then in 2010, he was diagnosed with stage 2 tongue cancer, there I was faced with the possibility of his death, faced with his mortality. I remember praying for him to make it through and I would turn our relationship apart. God spared him and I tried to be there for him as much as I could. He survived, God blessed me. Where are we??? I have never told him how I’ve felt all these years. I haven’t forgiven him. He seems oblivious as to why I’m so distant from him. I never fulfilled my promise to God. Three years later and more heart break in my relationships with men and feelings of utter failure because I’m in the same place I was 22 years ago with my dad. I’m one step closer to speaking to him about it. This picture is him and I last night celebrating my 31st birthday. It might be time to fulfill my promise. It might be time to actually forgive. Maybe this birthday might be the beginning of a renewed relationship with my dad. Maybe….